Healing Isn’t Linear—Especially During the Holidays

 If you’ve been doing the work — setting boundaries, unlearning old patterns, or finally finding your voice — it can feel discouraging when the holidays show up and everything you thought you “worked through” suddenly gets loud again.

You’re not backsliding. You’re re-encountering.

Healing is rarely a straight line. It’s more like a spiral: you revisit old lessons from new levels of awareness. And the holidays? They’re a pop quiz for emotional growth — complete with family triggers, financial strain, sensory overload, and societal pressure to be grateful no matter what.

Let’s talk about what healing actually looks like when joy and grief, growth and regression, coexist.

What’s Really Going On

During the holidays, our brains are flooded with nostalgia and expectation, two powerful emotional forces that can activate old attachment patterns and trauma memories.

Research from Frontiers in Behavioral Neuroscience (Makovac et al., 2020) found that emotional memories tied to family and ritual are more easily reactivated under stress, even in people who have processed those experiences in therapy. Translation: you’re not “undoing your progress” — your nervous system is revisiting an old chapter to see if it’s still dangerous.

For neurodivergent and trauma-impacted people, this can feel especially intense. Environments full of noise, social dynamics, and emotional unpredictability push your sensory and emotional regulation to the limit.

In Trauma and Memory, Bessel van der Kolk writes, “The body keeps the score not to punish us, but to protect us.” When we enter old spaces — literal or emotional — our bodies start scanning for danger. That scan can feel like anxiety, irritability, or sadness.

You’re not broken — you’re responding exactly as a regulated body does when safety feels uncertain.

Why It Matters

Perfectionism and comparison thrive during the holidays. Social media paints “healing” as calm mornings and glowing gratitude lists. But real healing is messier — and sometimes, the work is just showing up without abandoning yourself.

A 2022 study in Frontiers in Psychology (Wilmots et al.) found that self-compassion directly predicts emotional resilience — people who respond to their pain with understanding, not criticism, recover faster from stress and conflict.

This matters because holidays tend to amplify the false belief that emotional struggle = failure. In reality, revisiting pain is part of growth. The nervous system doesn’t erase patterns — it rewires through repetition, care, and safety.

How to Navigate Nonlinear Healing

1. Expect Emotional Whiplash

You can feel joy and grief in the same hour. That’s normal.
Name the coexistence instead of judging it: “I can be both proud of my progress and tired of this work.”

2. Pause Before You Perform

Before saying “yes” to every invitation or pretending you’re okay, pause and check in:

“Am I saying yes from connection or from pressure?”
If it’s pressure, it’s okay to choose rest over performance.

3. Redefine ‘Progress’

Progress doesn’t always look like peace — sometimes it’s catching yourself mid-pattern and choosing differently.
That’s still healing.
As trauma psychologist Thema Bryant reminds us, “Healing doesn’t make you invincible — it makes you more human.”

4. Anchor in Regulation

Try grounding techniques before family gatherings or emotionally charged events:

  • 4-7-8 breathing (inhale 4, hold 7, exhale 8)

  • Grounding with sensory objects (jewelry, texture, scent)

  • Body check-ins: “What does safety feel like right now?”
    (Supported by studies in Journal of Traumatic Stress, 2020, showing that sensory and breath-based grounding improve emotion regulation in trauma survivors.)

5. Build “Recovery Days” into Your Calendar

Post-holiday fatigue is real — especially for those with trauma or neurodivergence.
Plan one “nothing day” after major events. That’s not laziness; it’s nervous system hygiene.

When Healing Feels Stuck

If you notice old coping mechanisms resurfacing — overspending, shutdown, people-pleasing, or isolation — approach them with curiosity, not shame.

According to Cognitive Therapy and Research (Polizzi & Lynn, 2021), compassionate awareness interrupts emotional spirals more effectively than self-criticism.
Ask:

“What is this behavior protecting me from right now?”
That question shifts the focus from judgment to understanding — and that’s the foundation of sustainable healing.

Reflection Prompt

What parts of you are asking for softness this season, not discipline?
How can you make space for both your progress and your pain?

Evidence & Sources

  • Makovac, E., et al. (2020). Reactivation of emotional memories under stress: Neural correlates and regulation. Frontiers in Behavioral Neuroscience, 14. https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fnbeh.2020.00085/full

  • Wilmots, E., et al. (2022). The role of self-compassion in emotional regulation and stress resilience. Frontiers in Psychology, 13, 851621. https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2022.851621/full

  • Polizzi, C., & Lynn, S. J. (2021). Regulating emotionality to manage adversity: A systematic review of emotion regulation and resilience. Cognitive Therapy and Research, 45(4), 577–597.

  • van der Kolk, B. (2015). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Penguin Books.

  • American Psychological Association. (2023). How to handle holiday stress. https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/stress/2023

  • Bryant, T. (2022). Homecoming: Overcome Fear and Trauma to Reclaim Your Whole, Authentic Self. Penguin Random House.

  • Journal of Traumatic Stress. (2020). Grounding and somatic regulation strategies for trauma recovery. Wiley-Blackwell.

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