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Hearing “I don’t feel validated” can put you in a weird position. Because most people don’t hear that as information. They hear it as criticism. It can sound like: “You’re doing something wrong” “You’re not showing up the way you should” “You’re missing something important” So the instinct is usually to either defend yourself or try to fix it quickly. You might say: “I do understand” “I’m trying” “That’s not what I meant” Or jump straight into explaining your perspective And almost immediately, the conversation starts to go sideways. Not because you don’t care, but because you’re responding to what you think is being asked, not what is actually being asked. When someone says they don’t feel validated, it usually doesn’t mean one specific thing. It can mean they weren’t understood, or that they were understood but disagreed with, or that they wanted a different kind of response, or that they didn’t fully say what they meant in the first place. If you treat all of those th...

 “I just don’t feel validated.” This is one of the most common things people say in relationships, and it usually comes up when something feels off but hasn’t been clearly named yet. It sounds specific, but most of the time, it’s actually covering a few different experiences that get lumped together under one word. That’s part of why it’s so frustrating. You’re naming something real, but the person you’re saying it to doesn’t always know what to do with it. And if you don’t know what you mean by it either, the conversation tends to go in circles. So before trying to fix it, it helps to slow down and figure out what “not feeling validated” actually means in that moment. Sometimes it means you were not heard. You said something, and it didn’t land. The other person misunderstood you, minimized what you said, or responded in a way that made it clear they weren’t tracking your experience. In those situations, the problem is clarity. You might need to say it differently, more direct...

I’m going to say this in a way that might annoy you a little, but it’s also probably going to land. You’re not confused. I know you feel confused. I know it feels messy and unclear and like there are a million variables and you just need more time to think it through. But most of the time when people say they’re confused, what’s actually happening is that they already know what they want or what they need to do, and they don’t want to deal with what happens if they follow through on it. So instead, they stay in this in-between space. Thinking about it. Talking about it. Revisiting it. Looking at it from different angles. Maybe even explaining it really well. And it starts to look like processing. It starts to feel productive. But nothing actually changes. And I see this all the time in session. Someone will walk me through a situation in a way that is incredibly self-aware, like genuinely impressive levels of insight. They can tell me exactly what the pattern is, where it came fro...

There’s a moment that happens in a lot of conversations that feels almost identical on the surface, but is actually two very different experiences. It’s the moment where you say something that matters to you, and the response you get doesn’t feel good. Most people walk away from that moment thinking, “they didn’t hear me.” And sometimes that’s true. But a lot of the time, what actually happened is that they did hear you, they just didn’t agree with you, and those are not the same thing. When you feel unheard, it usually means something about your experience didn’t land. The other person missed the point, minimized it, redirected the conversation, or responded in a way that made it clear they weren’t really tracking what you were trying to say. It feels like talking and not being received. You might notice yourself repeating the same thing in different ways, trying to get it to click, or feeling like you’re putting in more effort just to be understood at a basic level. Being disagreed...

Most people are not bad at communication. They are bad at being specific. What people think the problem is “I don’t know how to communicate.” What that usually means is: “I don’t know how to say this without making it weird” “I don’t want to deal with their reaction” “I’m not sure how to say this without feeling like I’m too much” So instead of saying the actual thing, you say a version of it. A softer version. A vague version. A safer version. And then you’re surprised when it doesn’t land. What avoiding specificity looks like It looks like: “It’s just been a lot lately” “I feel like things have been off” “We should hang out soon” “I just need more support” None of those are wrong. They’re just not specific enough to respond to. Why this happens Because specificity creates risk. When you are specific, you are: easier to understand easier to respond to easier to disagree with And that last one is the problem. Vagueness protects you from: r...