You’re Not Bad at Communication. You’re Avoiding Specificity

Most people are not bad at communication.

They are bad at being specific.

What people think the problem is

“I don’t know how to communicate.”

What that usually means is:

  • “I don’t know how to say this without making it weird”
  • “I don’t want to deal with their reaction”
  • “I’m not sure how to say this without feeling like I’m too much”

So instead of saying the actual thing, you say a version of it.

A softer version.
A vague version.
A safer version.

And then you’re surprised when it doesn’t land.

What avoiding specificity looks like

It looks like:

  • “It’s just been a lot lately”
  • “I feel like things have been off”
  • “We should hang out soon”
  • “I just need more support”

None of those are wrong.

They’re just not specific enough to respond to.

Why this happens

Because specificity creates risk.

When you are specific, you are:

  • easier to understand
  • easier to respond to
  • easier to disagree with

And that last one is the problem.

Vagueness protects you from:

  • rejection
  • conflict
  • being misunderstood

But it also guarantees one thing:

Nothing actually changes.

The pattern

You say something vague.

They respond vaguely.

You feel:

  • unheard
  • frustrated
  • confused about why they “don’t get it”

And now you have two people operating on different interpretations of the same conversation.

Real-life example

You say:
“I just feel like I need more support.”

They think:
“Okay, I’ll check in more.”

You meant:
“I need you to help with specific responsibilities because I’m overwhelmed.”

Now you both think you communicated.

And you both feel like the other person missed it.

Another example

You say:
“We should hang out soon.”

They say:
“Yeah, definitely.”

And nothing happens.

You feel:
like they don’t care

They feel:
like the interaction was positive

Because no one actually said:
“Are you free Thursday at 6?”

What specificity actually does

Specificity gives the other person something they can respond to.

It turns:

  • feelings into information
  • information into action

Without it, communication stays abstract.

And abstract communication does not change real situations.

What this does not mean

Being specific does not mean:

  • being harsh
  • over-explaining
  • saying everything perfectly

It means:

Saying enough that the other person knows what you are actually asking for.

A simple shift

Instead of:
“I need more support”

Try:
“I need help with dinner three nights this week”

Instead of:
“We should hang out”

Try:
“Are you free Thursday at 6?”

Instead of:
“Things have felt off”

Try:
“I felt disconnected after our last conversation and I want to talk about it”

The uncomfortable part

When you are specific, people can:

  • say no
  • misunderstand you
  • not meet you where you are

Which is exactly what vagueness helps you avoid.

But it is also the only way you get real information.

The shift

If you want communication to actually work, the goal is not:

“say it perfectly”

The goal is:

“say it clearly enough that something can happen next”

Specificity Worksheet

Part 1: Where are you being vague?

Check what applies:

☐ I hint instead of ask
☐ I soften what I actually mean
☐ I assume people should know
☐ I avoid being direct
☐ I say things generally instead of specifically

Part 2: What are you actually trying to say?

Write the vague version you’ve been using:

Now write what you actually mean:

Part 3: Make it actionable

Ask yourself:

Can someone respond to this?

If not, rewrite it so they can.

Part 4: Practice the shift

Instead of saying:

Say:

Part 5: Reality check

  • Am I avoiding specificity to avoid a reaction?
  • Am I expecting someone to read between the lines?
  • What is one thing I can say clearly this week?

Final thought

You are not bad at communication.

You are trying to communicate without taking the risk that makes communication work.

Clarity creates movement.

Vagueness keeps things exactly where they are.

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