If People “Don’t Get You,” It Might Be How You’re Communicating

Resource: Supercommunicators by Charles Duhigg

Hook

A lot of people think communication problems happen because nobody listens anymore.

Sometimes that’s true.

But sometimes the issue is that you’re trying to have one kind of conversation while the other person thinks you’re having a completely different one.

And both people leave frustrated.

Why This Matters

One of the biggest communication mistakes people make is assuming every conversation is about information.

Most conversations are actually about:

  • emotion
  • connection
  • reassurance
  • identity
  • problem solving

And problems happen when those don’t match.

For example:

  • one person wants comfort
  • the other starts fixing
  • one person wants solutions
  • the other keeps validating

Neither person feels understood because they’re not having the same conversation.

About the Book (And Why I Recommend It)

Supercommunicators by Charles Duhigg breaks communication down in a way that’s practical instead of overly clinical. The book focuses on understanding what type of conversation is actually happening underneath the words being said.

What I appreciate about this book is that it helps people stop assuming communication is just “talking better.” A lot of communication issues are actually mismatched expectations, emotional assumptions, or trying to solve the wrong problem.

This is especially helpful for people who:

  • feel misunderstood often
  • repeat themselves constantly
  • leave conversations feeling frustrated
  • assume others “should know” what they mean

The goal is not becoming perfectly articulate. The goal is becoming more intentional.

What This Looks Like in Real Life

This shows up when:

  • you want support but get advice
  • you want clarity but get reassurance
  • you want honesty but soften everything
  • you expect people to read between the lines

And then everyone feels disconnected.

Not because nobody cares.

Because nobody clarified what was actually needed.

What to Do Instead

Before responding, ask yourself:

“What kind of conversation is this actually?”

Do I want:

  • comfort?
  • solutions?
  • accountability?
  • understanding?
  • collaboration?

Then communicate that directly.

Examples:

  • “I don’t need advice yet. I just need to vent.”
  • “Can you help me problem solve?”
  • “I need honesty more than reassurance right now.”

That one sentence can change an entire conversation.

How to Actually Use This

Don’t read this book and turn it into another thing you intellectually agree with but never apply.

Pick ONE conversation this week and clarify what you need before the misunderstanding happens.

That’s the work.

Quick Review: Do’s & Don’ts

Do:

  • clarify what kind of conversation you want
  • ask questions before assuming intent
  • communicate directly

Don’t:

  • expect mind reading
  • assume understanding = agreement
  • explain endlessly hoping to feel validated

HOW TO ACHIEVE IT

This week:

  • identify one recurring communication frustration
  • figure out what you actually needed in that moment
  • say it directly next time instead of hoping someone notices

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Navigating Diagnoses & Insurance: How to Take Control of Your Mental Health Care

You’re seeking therapy because you’re struggling—maybe with anxiety, relationship issues, or just feeling "stuck." But before you can get help, you’re handed a   diagnosis code —because insurance won’t pay without one. Suddenly, your deeply personal experience is  reduced to a billing requirement , and you might wonder: "Do I really have this disorder, or is this just for insurance?" "Will this label follow me?" "How do I advocate for myself in a system that prioritizes paperwork over people?" Let’s break down  how diagnosis and insurance really work —and how you can stay empowered in your care. Why Insurance Demands a Diagnosis (Even When It Doesn’t Fit) 1. The System’s Flaw: "No Code, No Coverage" Insurance companies operate on a  medical model , meaning: They only cover "medically necessary" treatment. Without a DSM-5 diagnosis , most therapists can’t get paid. This leads to  over-pathologizing normal human struggles  (e.g....
Read more

Why Am I Crying in the Pantry Again? A Real Talk on Parenting

  If you ever find yourself wondering, “Why does parenting feel so much harder for me than it looked for my parents?”—you’re not alone, and you're not broken. Many parents today are carrying an invisible weight: the expectation to raise emotionally intelligent, socially aware, trauma-informed children while often healing from what they didn't receive themselves. You're expected to break generational cycles while making dinner, checking math homework, and regulating your own nervous system. No wonder it feels overwhelming. At Neighborhood Growth Collaborative, we talk a lot about the systems we’re in, the stories we inherit, and the realities we’re rewriting. Parenting is one of the biggest intersections of all three. They Didn't Have Instagram—But They Also Didn't Have to Heal Generational Trauma in Real Time Let’s name the elephant: Many of our parents weren’t expected to parent consciously . There were rules, roles, and routines. Love may have been real and prese...
Read more

Boundaries vs. Expectations: Why They’re Not the Same (And How to Make Yours Healthier)

We toss the word boundary around a lot these days, and for good reason. Boundaries are essential for protecting our mental health. But here’s the catch: boundaries are for you , while expectations are for others . Confusing the two often sets us up for frustration, resentment, and disappointment. So let’s get clear—and practical—about what boundaries really are, how to set them in a healthy way, and how to move away from the “unhealthy” versions we often mistake for self-care. Boundaries vs. Expectations A Boundary: A limit or commitment you set for yourself, based on what you need to feel safe, respected, and well. It’s about your behavior, not controlling someone else’s. An Expectation: A hope or demand you place on someone else, usually without their agreement. It’s about them changing, not you. Example: Expectation: My partner should stop interrupting me when I talk. Boundary: If I feel interrupted, I’ll pause the conversation and let them know I’ll continue whe...
Read more