Most People Aren’t Using the Same Definition of Love

Resource: All About Love by bell hooks

A lot of relationship problems come from people saying the word “love” while meaning completely different things.

Some people mean:

  • attachment
  • loyalty
  • sacrifice
  • intensity
  • proximity

And some people mean:

  • care
  • honesty
  • respect
  • consistency
  • responsibility

Those are not always the same thing.

Why This Matters

People stay in unhealthy relationships all the time because something feels emotionally intense and they label that intensity as love.

Meanwhile:

  • trust is inconsistent
  • communication is poor
  • boundaries are ignored
  • care feels conditional

But because the feelings are strong, people assume the relationship is meaningful.

That confusion keeps people stuck for years.

About the Book (And Why I Recommend It)

All About Love by bell hooks challenges a lot of what people were taught love is supposed to look like.

What I appreciate about this book is that it pushes people to stop defining love by feeling alone and start looking at behavior.

This is especially helpful for people who:

  • confuse intensity with connection
  • stay in relationships that repeatedly hurt them
  • struggle with boundaries
  • grew up with inconsistent love or emotional safety

Because love is not just something someone says or feels.

It’s something consistently practiced.

What This Looks Like in Real Life

This shows up when:

  • someone says they love you but repeatedly disrespects you
  • you tolerate behavior because of chemistry
  • care feels unpredictable
  • you keep chasing emotional highs and lows

A relationship can feel powerful and still be unhealthy.

What to Do Instead

Instead of asking:
“Do they love me?”

Start asking:

  • Do I feel emotionally safe?
  • Is care consistent?
  • Is honesty present?
  • Are my boundaries respected?
  • Do actions match words?

That gives you much better information.

How to Actually Use This

Don’t just read this book and analyze your past relationships.

Use it to evaluate your current patterns too.

Including:

  • how you communicate
  • how you tolerate behavior
  • how you define care
  • how you show up in relationships yourself

That’s where the real work happens.

Quick Review: Do’s & Don’ts

Do:

  • evaluate behavior, not just feelings
  • pay attention to consistency
  • define what love actually means to you

Don’t:

  • confuse chemistry with compatibility
  • romanticize emotional instability
  • use intensity as proof of connection

HOW TO ACHIEVE IT

This week:

  • think about one relationship dynamic you keep normalizing
  • ask yourself what definition of love you’ve been using
  • compare it to the actual behavior happening

That awareness changes a lot.

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